It's Been a While

I haven't posted in a while, just because I've had nothing good to say.
I had nothing good to say, because my best friend betrayed me, I realized something I had been disillusioned about forever, I miss my dad, and a missionary in Pocatello died and I was so angry and sad all at the same time because I love all those missionaries so MUCH.
I have found it to be true that it's gonna get bad before it gets better.
I have spent SO LONG just wishing for what might've been. It's made me miserable....
I have thought many times that I'm ready to move on, but the truth is, that was me lying to myself.

For reals though, I'm moving on. It hurts of course, it's not easy, but it's finally time and I feel ready to commit. I actually want to. I don't long for the past anymore. Most importantly, I've forgiven myself for messing up.

I'm more aware of my surroundings, rather than every sight being haunted by the past. Every place, song, experience used to remind me of someone that's dead to me. He's not the same person I loved, and he's not the same person that loved me. It took me A YEAR to figure out that's why we don't get  along anymore. Because he's not there.

There's an old pop song by Kate Voegle that says "I'm still in love with who I wish you were." That is SO PERFECT to explain what I went through for the last year. It's true. I really will always love that person. I would do anything for that person and he may be still there deep inside, but he's not resurfacing. Ever. And I don't get to be the reason for smiles, or laughs, or anything of his anymore. And that's fine. It's really okay now, finally.

Instead of regretting the memories, now I can see the present, and the potential of the future, and I honestly can't remember the last time I felt that way.

No one even follows my blog or comments, but I always feel accomplished after I post. As a result of me being hurt over and over, I get private about my feelings. It's a great accomplishment for me to post things publicly so close to my heart. It feels great.

I have to talk about my girls. I'm a Resident Assistant this year at the dorms in BYU, and at first it was lonely. I have my own living space, so I'm by myself a lot. Also, since something painful came between me and my closest friend here, I have no one to hang out with. Whenever I'm alone, I'm reminded that she's gone. It stings.

So, I've made an effort to not think about the sting. When it comes, I push it straight out of my mind. I've started to bond with the new freshies on my floor. I love that they love me. I thought they were going to hate me for being the boss, and the rule enforcer, and the frumpy one, but they love me and think of me as a big sister. They think I'm funny, and always tell me how pretty I am, and how kind I am, and how aware of everyone I am. I love when people notice the things I take pride in.

I hang out with them all the time, and they love hearing my stories about high school and last year and all my craziness, and they die of laughter. I forgot how funny my life was, and how rich it was before I became depressed. Like I said, it feels amazing to be moving on. Like I am just getting air after being underwater for almost a year.

I'm not quite happy yet, but I'm on my way and I'm hopeful.

I went on the perfect run today, got a 100% on a quiz, ate fried zuchinni, and talked to my mom, and that's enough for me.

I met a girl who has Lupus which is a terrible immune disease. She is beautiful, kind, and doesn't tell anyone she has it, because she wants to be treated the same as before. I admire her so much, and she makes my old pity party look so dumb. Because she is so happy. I just wanted to throw that out there, that someone really could have it worse. That doesn't make what you're going through go away, but still just let your mind be open to that perspective. She's part of the reason I want to be happy and she's made me realize what time I've wasted. I knew we were meant to be friends when I met her and she is just the best. I love seeing God's hand in my life.

I never believed this, but Alma in the Book of Mormon says we find happiness through serving others. I thought that was BS because I served people and thought of them all the time, and got nothing.

I have finally found that principle to be real in the last month or so. Seeing the girls learn from me, or appreciate the advice I give them, and watching them grow just in this last month has given me so much joy. It has been the source of my happiness to know that I am impacting so many people.

I'm also doing an adopt a grandparent program, and wouldn't want to spend my time any other way.

When I think of Pocatello, I think about high school, and running, and Tim McGraw, and Rascal Flatts, and rollerskating, and uptight Sunday dinners, and my blue bedroom, and the holt arena, and trying too hard to fix messes, and the F word, and being yelled at, and disappointment, and falling in love, and writing letters and letters and letters, and crying, and lies, and the library, and sweet kisses, and stolen kisses, and snow, and autumn, and the cemetery, and swimming, and my southern bell grandma, and driving my red car, and my yellow bike, and singing in church, and the smell of Satterfield in the summertime.

I don't want any of that right now. I'll see home soon enough. For now, I get to think of football games, and running free, and writing happy letters, and studying literature again, and autumn, and snow, and going to one of the best universities in the country. And I get to see the temple lit up at night when I'm running and it's one of my favorite things.

We dream about the deepest desires and wishes of our hearts. I remember all my dreams from this week, and they weren't movies of the past like they usually are. I dreamt of running on the blue track, not the black, and I dreamt of India, and I dreamt of blissful places.

Now that I've changed, I wish I had figured out how to a long time ago.

XOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOOXOXO
Lake

P.S. A special shout out to Hailey for inspiring me to write again
Her blog is really awesome and I wish mine was as awesome as hers.
IDK she's just been through a lot and has wisdom past her age
http://sayitanywayy.blogspot.com