It's Been a While

I haven't posted in a while, just because I've had nothing good to say.
I had nothing good to say, because my best friend betrayed me, I realized something I had been disillusioned about forever, I miss my dad, and a missionary in Pocatello died and I was so angry and sad all at the same time because I love all those missionaries so MUCH.
I have found it to be true that it's gonna get bad before it gets better.
I have spent SO LONG just wishing for what might've been. It's made me miserable....
I have thought many times that I'm ready to move on, but the truth is, that was me lying to myself.

For reals though, I'm moving on. It hurts of course, it's not easy, but it's finally time and I feel ready to commit. I actually want to. I don't long for the past anymore. Most importantly, I've forgiven myself for messing up.

I'm more aware of my surroundings, rather than every sight being haunted by the past. Every place, song, experience used to remind me of someone that's dead to me. He's not the same person I loved, and he's not the same person that loved me. It took me A YEAR to figure out that's why we don't get  along anymore. Because he's not there.

There's an old pop song by Kate Voegle that says "I'm still in love with who I wish you were." That is SO PERFECT to explain what I went through for the last year. It's true. I really will always love that person. I would do anything for that person and he may be still there deep inside, but he's not resurfacing. Ever. And I don't get to be the reason for smiles, or laughs, or anything of his anymore. And that's fine. It's really okay now, finally.

Instead of regretting the memories, now I can see the present, and the potential of the future, and I honestly can't remember the last time I felt that way.

No one even follows my blog or comments, but I always feel accomplished after I post. As a result of me being hurt over and over, I get private about my feelings. It's a great accomplishment for me to post things publicly so close to my heart. It feels great.

I have to talk about my girls. I'm a Resident Assistant this year at the dorms in BYU, and at first it was lonely. I have my own living space, so I'm by myself a lot. Also, since something painful came between me and my closest friend here, I have no one to hang out with. Whenever I'm alone, I'm reminded that she's gone. It stings.

So, I've made an effort to not think about the sting. When it comes, I push it straight out of my mind. I've started to bond with the new freshies on my floor. I love that they love me. I thought they were going to hate me for being the boss, and the rule enforcer, and the frumpy one, but they love me and think of me as a big sister. They think I'm funny, and always tell me how pretty I am, and how kind I am, and how aware of everyone I am. I love when people notice the things I take pride in.

I hang out with them all the time, and they love hearing my stories about high school and last year and all my craziness, and they die of laughter. I forgot how funny my life was, and how rich it was before I became depressed. Like I said, it feels amazing to be moving on. Like I am just getting air after being underwater for almost a year.

I'm not quite happy yet, but I'm on my way and I'm hopeful.

I went on the perfect run today, got a 100% on a quiz, ate fried zuchinni, and talked to my mom, and that's enough for me.

I met a girl who has Lupus which is a terrible immune disease. She is beautiful, kind, and doesn't tell anyone she has it, because she wants to be treated the same as before. I admire her so much, and she makes my old pity party look so dumb. Because she is so happy. I just wanted to throw that out there, that someone really could have it worse. That doesn't make what you're going through go away, but still just let your mind be open to that perspective. She's part of the reason I want to be happy and she's made me realize what time I've wasted. I knew we were meant to be friends when I met her and she is just the best. I love seeing God's hand in my life.

I never believed this, but Alma in the Book of Mormon says we find happiness through serving others. I thought that was BS because I served people and thought of them all the time, and got nothing.

I have finally found that principle to be real in the last month or so. Seeing the girls learn from me, or appreciate the advice I give them, and watching them grow just in this last month has given me so much joy. It has been the source of my happiness to know that I am impacting so many people.

I'm also doing an adopt a grandparent program, and wouldn't want to spend my time any other way.

When I think of Pocatello, I think about high school, and running, and Tim McGraw, and Rascal Flatts, and rollerskating, and uptight Sunday dinners, and my blue bedroom, and the holt arena, and trying too hard to fix messes, and the F word, and being yelled at, and disappointment, and falling in love, and writing letters and letters and letters, and crying, and lies, and the library, and sweet kisses, and stolen kisses, and snow, and autumn, and the cemetery, and swimming, and my southern bell grandma, and driving my red car, and my yellow bike, and singing in church, and the smell of Satterfield in the summertime.

I don't want any of that right now. I'll see home soon enough. For now, I get to think of football games, and running free, and writing happy letters, and studying literature again, and autumn, and snow, and going to one of the best universities in the country. And I get to see the temple lit up at night when I'm running and it's one of my favorite things.

We dream about the deepest desires and wishes of our hearts. I remember all my dreams from this week, and they weren't movies of the past like they usually are. I dreamt of running on the blue track, not the black, and I dreamt of India, and I dreamt of blissful places.

Now that I've changed, I wish I had figured out how to a long time ago.

XOXOXOOXOXOOXOXOOXOXO
Lake

P.S. A special shout out to Hailey for inspiring me to write again
Her blog is really awesome and I wish mine was as awesome as hers.
IDK she's just been through a lot and has wisdom past her age
http://sayitanywayy.blogspot.com

Reflection

I've spent some times being unhappy with what my life is.
But as I reflect on the past year since I graduated, I'm actually happy with what I've accomplished.
Sometimes you just need to see the big picture and realize that when someone tells you it's all gonna be okay, he's right.

xoxo
loves
lake

A Word About Love

Once upon a time, I had a best friend named Miranda.
We just had a really special bond.
We aren't really friends anymore, and it's really stupid. I seriously don't think either of us could say why. We are both really stubborn. But, she will always have a special place in my heart.

One year at girl's camp, we wrote out our ten types of love.
Haha it was really cheesy, something like puppy love, best friend love, used love, and unrequitted love? Is that a word? Not sure.. I guess we thought we had life figured out at 15. Dude we weren't even 'legally' allowed to date. Lolz

It's really weird how fast time flies, because she's getting married in a couple months.
Her thoughts on love have probably evolved since we were naive high schoolers who actually thought we weren't naive and had tons of experience and were soooo smart and you get the picture. And then there's me and my millions of cats.

Anyway, I've decided that instead of types of love, there seems to be just stages of love- or times where one experiences love. Each experience kind of leads you to your own understanding of the meaning of love, and why everyone is always searching for it. I don't know the true definition of the huge word 'love' yet but this is what I do know.

I love running and my memories of my team in high school. I miss it a lot and my heart aches for it some days.

I love when it rains, but doesn't storm and it is just peaceful

I love my cats (duh)

I love the friendships I made at school this past year. I miss Amber Britt and Kenz so much everyday.

I love God.

I love my family.

I love driving with my sunroof open and listening to a good song.

I love playing the piano when no one is around.

And recently, I wanted to give up on someone I loved. People tend to fail me when I love them, I'm not really sure why. But for some reason, this time they decided to come back and it's nice to have something to believe in and hope for.

I know that love is when you put someone else's happiness before yours- without even realizing it.

So, yesterday I decided I also love

.....eating dinner late, running too early, being okay with changing my mind, and for the first time in years, something working out that I really truly wanted. I forgot how great that feels. I LOVE IT :)

Well here's a little update on my life

I've been having a lot of weak moments lately. This was one.

We almost had a gas explosion at my mom's a few days ago so we had to sit in the backyard while it aired out. You would think people would TURN OFF THE GAS when they finish cooking. So we lived the chill life for a few hours this afternoon

This is my roomie Ashbee who I freaking miss and SHE GOT ENGAGED TO MR. BRADY THOMPSON 2 NIGHTS AGO!

I sit by myself at Sunday School or hide in the bathroom. I wish I was going to Krispy Kreme instead :( 

This is my Dad's girlfriend's cat that loves me so I kind of took him in as my son. His name is Monkey 

And I still work at Sonic...... me & Kenna are trying to figure out why hot girls work fast food

That's all folks
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoX394587
lake

Change

WOW.
I moved home!
And I haven't blogged in what feels like forever.
So many things here are the same. Like the stupid pot holes that will never get fixed, the indecisive weather, Sonic Drive-In, and the track. But a lot of things are different, too, and it's hard for me.

I don't really handle change well, so this has been a difficult adjustment. Every 5 seconds I feel like I need to call Kensington and tell her something completely irrelevant to her life, like how I made brownies yesterday that expired in 2009, and I tanned in the backyard yesterday, and her boyfriend's favorite song was on the radio haha. I want Amber to do my freaking makeup (she's a beauty queen pretty much). And I want Brittani to tell me something to snap my head back on straight (she's very reasonable haha).

And here, I used to love going to my ward to see all my friends, but now that those friends are not my friends anymore, it was really hard yesterday.

Oh- I've also become the official laziest person ever. I now understand why everyone loves Netflix! Even though my social life sucks, at least I can live vicariously through the people of Tree Hill. I think I have watched more TV/movies in the past week than in the past year total. So, I get up at like noon, go running at some point, take a shower, and then I watch TV. Haha it's so weird for me, but I guess it's also kind of nice.

A couple weeks ago, I didn't want to come home at all since it meant facing the loose ends of relationships with various people that were never tied up...and some of those people don't even care. Well, all I know is that life goes on, and that at some point, I'll feel okay.

Something strange to me is that although I feel out of place right now, I can't really think of anywhere else that would make me feel in place.

And also, how can you feel like you finally made a little progress in resolving something, and then realize that it's just worse? I've learned that sometimes you just have to pretend it's okay and deal with it later.

I never thought my only friends would be my dad and his girlfriend Marcie, Marcie's son's girlfriend Tasia (we watch One Tree Hill together), and Marcie's cat Monkey that sleeps with me every night and comes on car rides.

Oh the dramas of being an 18 year old girl

Well whatever you only get to be at this place in your life once, right? :)

Loves
Lake  :)

Home

I went home this past week.
I did the younger part of my growing up in California, but my pre-teen and teenage years were in Pocatello, Idaho, and that place is my home.
I'm not exactly sure why I decided to go, but it amazes me how much the memories take me over when I go there.
Driving in I see my middle school, and I am reminded of running the mile 7:31 in 8th grade, being so proud.
I get off the exit and remember all the mornings I drove to seminary staying at my dad's house half of junior year.
I drive by the gas station and can see myself stepping off the shuttle last semester and being welcomed with so much love.
Up Olympus I picture the hundreds of times that I have run up that hill, the good days and the bad.
I pass the neighborhood of Sun Valley Way where two of my best friends lived in high school.
My grandma's house on Golden Gate reminds me of all our long talks about growing up in her southern life, and my Idaho life..surprisingly we have a lot in common.
Highland High School will always look exactly the same. I can see me and my team, I can see speeding back from Taco Bell at lunch, I can see myself in the halls smiling at the boys, I can see being walked home my freshman year by my best friend, I can see riding my yellow bike.
I drive further down past the soccer fields, past the road of a boy I loved.
I drive past Hiskey where we first lived, and can see my family being taught by missionaries.
I see the dirt road, my favorite place to run.
I see me and my mom walking up it Sunday evening with our fat cats panting to keep up with us.
I see Gary Street and remember how awesome it is that the lead singer of my favorite band has the same name as my home.
I see so many kids playing outside, they always are.
I see the grass ditch, where everyone hangs out no matter how old you are.
I see my 13 year old self riding my bike down it, I see myself 15 year old self crying at night there, I see myself lying there the night before I moved never wanting to leave.
I see the home of the grumpy, old Mr. Thomas who thinks I am eternally a slut and a bad example to the neighborhood.
I see my front yard and remember all the otter pops I ate there, and lying there after church underneath the trees.
I see my old car and am reminded of how much I hated that thing, but how many fun times it let me have.
I see that driveway where I have said goodbye and ended so many chapters of my life.
I walk in and it smells the same. Everything is the same. We have animals everywhere, the kitchen is a mess, Bailey comes running into my arms, Sidney is too busy talking to her boyfriends to notice me, I hear my mom say is my baby home?
I know all these roads, all these memories so well.
Pocatello life really doesn't change. People will always be playing soccer on those fields, those families will always stay in those same houses, their kids will marry people they've known since grade school, their mothers and sisters are on the high school wall for prom queen, their brothers and fathers on the wall for basketball and golf. People will go to the Highland football game on Friday night at the Holt, watch movies in their basements, and swim at Ross park.

I have loved and missed this lifestyle.
But one thing I have realized is that I can't live here forever. & I am glad I left, because I have become someone I never could have if I stayed.
I am happy to get a few more carefree months in Pocatello this summer before my real life starts, and now that I have grown up a little, I just hope I can appreciate the time I have left there more than I did in high school.
Happy conference Saturday
Loves
Lake

Something Strange

Something strange was the realization I had today.
We learn so many lessons in this life, but I guess some just have to be learned more than once.
I once really loved someone! Or thought so, at least. I would do anything for this person. I loved this person because they helped me love myself. After this person was gone, though, I thought that I just couldn't be happy without them. So I let myself be sad.
I eventually realized this person was never coming back. He's not the same as he was back then, and I definitely am not the same as I was back then. I basically keep this person in my heart as a fond memory of growing up- a special time in my life.
Most importantly, I promised myself I would never think I needed someone to be happy again.

Well, today I was reflecting on the lessons I learned with this person, since I heard some news about them and was reminded (When you're from a small town, you just always know what's going on with the people who live there).
It hit me pretty hard that I hadn't even really noticed that I had done it again! I tried to deny it, and think to myself that this time it's different. The only thing that is different is the person, time and place. It's still the same thing....I'm letting someone else impact my happiness.

It really lifts a weight off my chest to realize that I don't need this person at all. I was fine without them before I knew them, so can't I learn to be okay where I am now, too? And not just okay, but happy?

Yes I can :)

Xoxo
-Lake

p.s. only a month left of school! Bittersweet

Beauty

These last few days have been beautiful in so many ways!
First of all, it has been super sunny.
I've driven with my sun roof open everyday! (My favorite part of my new car)

Sunday afternoon me and Kensington went to pick up Amber from the airport. Somehow...we went to the wrong airport. That would be typical of two blondes but we are actually smart! And who knew SLC had two airports?!?! Anyway....

Yesterday I went to the temple!

IN MY CAR!!! I love it so much

What a beautiful place of peace and serenity.

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Afterward me, Kenz, Britt, and our friend Solomon took a little adventure trip to Walmart. All school year I have really wanted pet fish, but just never got the chance to get any! Well last night we finally did! It's against the rules but oh well, what are they going to do, kick me out for having goldfish in my room?

hahahaha kenz

!!!!

Their names are....

Fergie (mine)
Cinderelly (Kensington's)
Blackbeard (haha that's Amber's it's really ugly)
no name (britt)
no name #2 (solomon)
...haha we'll name those last 2 later

Just a thought for the day.....
How can we make an important choice, when our mind tells us one thing, and our heart tells us another? My mind says that one way is the right and rational thing to do, but my heart says to do what I love. When someone comes up with a good answer to that question, you better let the world know because you're gonna be FAMOUS!

A scripture I loved today

Jacob 4:7
"Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things."

SOME THINGS I LOVE
Brittani
Kensington
Amber
The temple
Kenny Chesney
& Easter mini cadburry eggs

Welp that's all folks!

LOVES
~Lake~